Sometimes You Just Have to Get Some Perspective

It is January 2015. I'm sitting in my room with the lights off, surfing the internet and I come across this blog. I look at the date and realized that I've been away for two years and five months. And you know what, I did not miss it at all. Not one bit.

Sometimes, you have step back and get some perspective.

Since my last post, I was diagnosed with diabetes (yikes I know), I started a new job (holy sh*t), worked on a political campaign, I've given a speech to members of Congress at Capitol Hill and survived what feels like a million dates with the weirdest guys ever. Eck. I went natural and chopped all my hair off. I entered my late twenties AND I finally moved into the city. Yes, I was an imposter. I was working in the city, but not quite living in it. Now, I can finally say I'm a real city girl. Go ahead - give me a slow clap.

Anyway, you're probably wondering, "why would you come back now?"

Well, when you gain perspective on your life and begin to set priorities - things become clear. I didn't miss the blog, but I did miss writing. I also missed expressing my feelings and being creative about it. I can't lie, I read my last post and said, "oh snap, that was good!" No sh*t Sarah, you were in pain - of course it was good.

Little did I know, that it would be a part of the catalyst that would set off a chain of events leading me to this very moment, right now, blogging as a WHOLE person. Not just free from heartache (which I honestly wasn't when I wrote my last post in 2012 - it wasn't until December of that year where I really started to heal lol), but also free from brokenness and fear.

I've put myself out there a lot in the past two years and five months and most of the time I ended up with my face on the floor. I'm sure my close friends saw it coming, but I silently thank them for not wagging their fingers and saying, "I told you so."

I still walked away from every experience with a new perspective of who I am and what I want out of life. I've even put my big girl panties on and joined a new church. I'm involved in a ministry and a bible study group. I guess there's truth to "train up a child..." and there's also truth to the fact that there is absolute freedom in Christ.

But, do you know what I want? No? Of course you don't. I'll tell you though. Why? Because, I can.

I want to write more and I want to get my hands on the latest Ben and Jerry's ice cream lol. So, here I am...wondering what to do with this blog and with the limited amount of time that I do have each day.

I'll keep thinking about it. But, in the meantime, I'm back. So let's take on the world together, just me, you and the keyboard.

MB

'Full of Wonder'

"I can beat the night, I’m not afraid of thunder. I am full of light, I am full of wonder."
- Emeli Sande

If I could sum the past couple of months up in one word, I would use the word "courageous". 

I learned more about myself this summer. Far more than I expected.

Let's just say, I have a long way to go. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I'm still a work in progress. I don't regret the decisions that were made so far this year, but I do wish that I would let go of these walls that often surround me. I learned the hard way that it won't protect me from disappointment or heartbreak.

My shining glory (irony: felt far from shiny) this summer was a vulnerable moment where I found myself in tears, in the middle of a casino, consumed by emotion and literally staring my fears in the face. I was scared, yet I knew that the floor was crumbling, and eventually it just fell from underneath me. I was disappointed, but I wasn't surprised. For the first time in years, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. There was nothing I could do. The decision made long before I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I was doomed to feel embarrassed and exposed. I felt like a fool for allowing myself to go there, to get close, to have feelings. I resigned myself to being "okay", to go back to my stoic ways of not feeling, of not being exposed or vulnerable. Who am I kidding?  I can't go back.

I finally understood.

The minutes turned into hours, then days, then weeks. Now months, soon it will be years. I'm moving forward. There are days when I miss him. I'm left with memories that still warm my heart even after everything, and memories that piss me off, but I know things happen for a reason. I had to experience this, I had to grow from this, I had to understand this, the feeling of disappointment, the feeling of heartache, the feeling of moving on, the feeling of actually being okay.

The irony of it all was that during the circumstances, at the height of it all, when I knew the floor was falling from under me, I didn't get mad at God. I didn't get angry. I thanked Him, I worshiped Him, I praised Him.

God allowed me to have an emotional breakthrough. For the first time, I felt emotionally liberated. I did not expect it to happen like this or happen due to the actions of someone who was that close to me, but it did.

I allowed myself to feel. I saw His wonder, I felt God's love.

I was free.

A Morning Epiphany

This morning, I had an epiphany. Thus some inspiration for a FULL post (finally I know).

It's true when older family members and friends say that your mid-20's is the time when you begin to find yourself and figure out what you like and don't like. I'm not the same girl I was in undergrad. I always made it difficult for people to get to know me, constantly putting walls up, remaining guarded. People obviously find that frustrating because they want to connect. I'm finding that at 24, that shit is tiring. Haha. No seriously, it's exhausting and it's pointless. Who does it benefit? No one. Exactly. So I had to cut it out and be candid with the people in my life.

I enjoy being myself. I'm quiet at times, but I can be outgoing and loud like the rest of them. I'm very reflective and I like to take time to think about my responses before answering. I'm a better writer than I am a verbal communicator because of that. Many of my friends are extroverted, so they probably perceive my  long pause as me avoiding the question or forgetting, but sometimes it's just me trying to figure out what to say while avoiding multiple "ums". I don't like being interrupted either but I find that many of my friends do this anyway...must be an extroverted thing, I usually just let it slide but it does get frustrating at times.

I found that I like company just as much as I enjoy my alone time, which usually includes pampering myself at the nail salon or shopping at some store. But, I've also learned over the past two years that I have a lot of fears. Many of those fears are things I really never considered. No, I'm not talking about my snake phobia or screaming every time I see a mosquito lol. I'm talking about deeper fears, like feeling vulnerable, losing people, allowing myself to love, saying what's on my mind, etc.

At the heart of it all, I'm scared that the people I allow into my life will just walk away, without a goodbye, without explanation, just like that...poof. Gone in an instant. I'm still dealing with my maternal issues. It's hard to explain what it's like not to be sure if your mother really loves or ever loved you. Or how you can have a sister that has no idea who you are, to never have had a real conversation with her or even advice from her about anything. At the same time, I've been blessed with an amazing best friend and a whole lot of girlfriends who are always there for me in the area of feminine issues haha. So where I lack in one area, God has provided for me in another. It still eats at me sometimes though.

I really started thinking about it after the cookout when my bf asked me why I never learned how to cook. I don't currently and I eventually want to, so I wasn't offended, but it was a good opportunity to be more open about it with him than I've been in the past. I don't really get deep with a lot of people, so being vulnerable in that situation, especially with him, even though I was mopping during my answer (a clear sign of nervousness), was a step in the right direction.

People assume that you can just pick up a cookbook or just pick up a makeup brush or just start shopping for yourself. It's not easy, taking those first steps, especially taking them alone. I'm a visual learner. Reading a book or having someone verbally tell me what to do won't cut it. I need to see it done in person, replicate it and then repeat. That's why I'm such a bomb ass dancer. I'm capable of learning routines just by sitting in the audience, its all visual and hands on for me. But, I don't this dawned on me until I had to answer that question. In fact, the topic of this entire blog post didn't dawn on me until I answered that question. I'm still finding my way and figuring things out, but I can't grow or learn if I don't face my fears and open up to those around me. I have to be willing to embrace my past for what it is without allowing it to hinder my present and my future. I shouldn't feel like people will judge me for the experiences I have or haven't had. Most of the time they won't haha.

Just some food for thought. All pun intended haha (sorry I don't take myself THAT seriously, lighten up folks).

MB

Spring Updates!!!

Hey Bees!

I've been trying to get a post up for awhile but I've been too busy or I'd delete the post because I didn't like it. Anyway, I started a new program called Take Shape For Life with Medifast.

Day 1: The food was absolutely disgusting at first taste and the soy was triggering my allergies a bit. Slight headaches and hunger pains. :(

Day 2: Felt energized. The food started to taste better. Although, cravings started to kick in.

Day 3: Still felt energized, the food tasted even better, had serious cravings and food shopping was unbearable. Some hunger pains.

Day 4: Felt REALLY energized, the food tasted fine, no cravings, no hunger. Had severe body cramping at night the point where I had to break the plan and eat a banana (which is not allowed on the weight-loss portion of the program) to stop the cramping, several bathroom trips.

This is where it hurts (both sides)

At the beginning the food was horrible, but by day 3 I was used to the taste of soy. On day 4, I experienced no hunger. BUT, the night of day 4 was horrible. I'm already prone to muscle spasms and unfortunately when you're on a low-carb, high protein diet, muscle spasms are a possible side effect.

Needless to say, my entire back and shoulders cramped up, re-aggravating my car accident injury (mind you this cramping began as I was driving) and my legs were cramping all over the place (while I was trying to sleep at home). I'm actually sugar-coating the situation, if I actually explain everything that happened in detail, most of you would freak out. I ended up eating a banana and my spasms stopped immediately.

Bananas are high in calories and carbs but rich in potassium

Basically, I'm writing this just to say that everyone is going to have different reactions to different plans. Unfortunately, last nights incident made me realize that this plan as it stands is probably not the proper nutritional value for my body specifically. If you know me, you know my lower body is a powerhouse. I have legs people would kill for because of years of technical dance training. Now, I opted to do a two-week trial to see if I would like the Medifast program or not. I will go on record to say it works. I lost about 7lbs (yea I know that's a lot in a few days) so it definitely does work!

My health coach is good with getting back to me with feedback and helpful when it comes to finding new recipes and ordering supplies. And they have pretty good food options (I had Brown sugar oatmeal, choc/vanilla shakes *amazing!!*, sloppy joe (didn't like this), cinnamon roll and smores bars, cream of tomato soup (didn't like this), tropical punch drink and I have pancakes and eggs that I haven't tried yet. But, when it comes down to the muscle spasms, the aftermath (excessively sore muscles) interferes with my mobility and concentration level. In essence, anything going to cause me to get muscle cramps is not one that's going to work well for me. I also wanted to note that I take daily supplements and drink at least 8 bottles of Deer Park water a day (I was drinking at least 4 bottles before I started the plan). So, I'm 100% sure that yesterday's cramping was a result of too much sodium and not enough potassium in my body. Do I blame the plan, no, maybe like 10%. Do I blame myself? Yes. I think more research needs to be done on my end to see what types of greens would give me higher potassium levels (like the spinach I bought two days ago for my taco salad that I'm making tomorrow lol).

On the up side, I did get a lot of recipes, a new blender, and ideas from this. I'm hoping to incorporate that into a new diet where I can add beneficial carbs and potassium so I don't cramp up. I'll probably work in the rest of the meals I have left into a plan that works for my VERY ACTIVE social life. One thing that I realized is that I have too many friends and everyone wants to go out. So that's my lean and green meal right there. There's no guarantee the lean and green meal I'm gonna get that the venue is going to give me what I need nutrient-wise. So, it's really difficult for me to make sure I get the exact foods that I need when I'm never home to actually cook it myself. I'm not even writing this blog from home (I'm in my cubicle at work writing this and it's almost 7pm on a Friday lol).

I'm also ready to get back in the gym. The plan doesn't allow you to work out for the first 3 weeks, that was a killer, because I know I need to get back in the gym NOW. I think I'll use the shakes to curb my eating at night and the bars to hold me over during the day so I'm not snacking, but I think the main breakfast, lunch and dinner need to be my option of a lean and green so I can make sure I'm getting what I need so I don't hurt myself.

Will I continue on the plan as is? No. Last night really scared me, so after the food runs out, I might continue to buy the shakes and perhaps the bars and use that to help curb unnecessary snacking but I don't think I'll do the 5+1 as it is.

MB

PS: Georgetown classes are going well. Already registered for Summer and Fall 2012 classes. Woot! Oh and my PR program is the #1 masters program for Public Relations in the country.

The Buck Stops Here: Getting My Health Back

Bees, I've been slacking on posting -- but for good reason of course! I've been working hard at my new job and really adjusting the norms and minor stress of being on full-time staff. I love it though, it's definitely better than interning. Haha.

Anyway, I've been going through a few things, privately of course. But after reading a post that my bestie wrote (if you haven't read "Handcuffed to God", check it out here) I decided it would do me some good emotionally to share what's been going on.

As most of you know, I was in a major car accident a few months ago where my car was totaled and I walked away without a scratch, but I did begin to notice consistent muscle spasms going on in my back and shoulders. I was treated for it, but the pain continued to come back. So, I made the usual appointment to the doctor. Little did I know that reality was getting ready to smack me in the face. The nurse checked my vitals and took my blood pressure and immediately looked concerned. My blood pressure was very high, in fact too high for a 23-year-old. She said "it could stand to come down" and that I should keep monitoring it. When she left, I took it upon myself to look at my electronic records and I noticed a spike in my blood pressure from the summer up until now and I was pissed no one had mentioned it or brought it up. So of course I tell my doctor and I'm like look what's the deal with my blood pressure? Is it these birth control pills I'm taking, etc.

She literally shot back at me and said, "your blood pressure has always been a bit high, but we're reluctant to put you on medication because you're so young." OH. MY. GOODNESS. Blood pressure medication? A piece of me died. And she looked at me and said, "honestly, between me and you, if you don't lose the weight, you're gonna die earlier than you should." I really just sat there. After that visit I found out (after doing some blood work) I was anemic, iron (I knew about this already) AND vitamin D deficient and I would be on prescription vitamin D for the rest of my life.

Thanks to Google, I found out I've been walking around for awhile with Prehypertension. And actually, my BP readings have dipped into hypertension levels (140/100). In other words, at age 23, I'm already having blood pressure issues, which means I'm already at risk for MAJOR heart problems. My dad had blood pressure issues and he's been able to get his weight down and his blood pressure down to normal!

He almost died a little over two years ago. The doctor told him like was going to have a heart attack very soon if he didn't change his lifestyle and my dad didn't even know that was happening to him. My dad didn't tell me anything until 2 years later. Now...2 years ago I was in college...and everyone that knows me personally knows how close and quite frankly how dependent I am on my dad. My mom left when I was about 13 and I don't have a close relationship with my sister who also left a few years ago. If he passed away then...honestly I don't think I would alive today writing this post. I wish I was kidding...but I'm not.

My dad is 59. And I'm 23. Now, I am facing the same issues as he did. It's scary...BUT if you don't like something...you got it --- work to change it.

So after all that happened, I enrolled at Gold's Gym. And when I told the trainers my story, I fought back the tears because I don't like crying in front of people I don't know and honestly I didn't want it to lead to self-pity, "look at you now, not only are you fat but you did this to yourself". Um no, I'm sorry, I don't want people to feel sorry that this is happening to me just like I don't want people to feel sorry for me that I don't have a relationship with my biological mother and sister. It is what it is and it's made me the young lady that I am today. One's true character always shines in the moment of adversity and I've had a hell of a lot of it. And quite honestly, even though it took me a long time,  I love myself as I am. I'm not walking around calling myself fat or ugly or running around trying to bleach my skin because I'm dark-skinned. I don't care about that stuff anymore, because everyone---EVERYONE has insecurities. And I'll be damned if I'm wasting my life sulking about stuff that I can't change when I can focus on the things I do have control over.

My dad is proud that I want to make the change for myself. One, I really don't like asking for help. Two, it's difficult to go into a gym and admit to yourself that you have an addiction to unhealthy food. Yes, I have an addiction. Three, it's even more difficult to admit to yourself that if you don't change your life you're going to die sooner rather than later. Four, when the people at a gym are extremely worried about your health...to the point where they continue to stare at your blood pressure numbers...yea, its about time to get that life together.

I wasn't the same person after that doctor's appointment. I sat in the car and said to myself. The buck stops here. I'm not going to continue to kill myself. I'm sorry, there are things to be accomplished and my mission is far from complete. So now I go to the gym at least four times a week for about 1 hr to an 1hr and 30 mins and I do cardio and I lift weights now right next to guys who look at me like damn this chick is serious. I don't eat out anymore, I make my own food and I have salad at least 3 times a week. I drink water constantly (I do have those Crystal Light packets and I do allow myself one juice or soda a week), and I take vitamins daily now. My personal training sessions begin tomorrow and yes, this investment in my health is gonna cost me $500 for all 20 sessions ALONE (not including the $30 for gym membership). But you know what, this is my life we're talking about. Cost is a non factor in this case.

I didn't like what I heard...so now I'm changing it. And I already see results. Don't just talk the talk, be about something. What ever it is. Period.

MB

Ladies: We Need to Have Confidence in Ourselves

Chelsea Settles on MTV

I generally don't write posts directed at one particular group but, I felt the need to do this after hearing something on the radio and watching Chelsea Settles on MTV.

Ladies, we need to have confidence in ourselves. It's as simple as that. There are too many capable, beautiful, intelligent young women running around agonizing about the acne on their face, their weight, their makeup, their shoes, whether they're good enough for their man or for a man at all and even whether they are good enough for God.

Listen to me when I say it all starts with us. We have to love ourselves as we are. If there's something you don't like and you can change it, then CHANGE IT. And if there's something you can't change, ACCEPT IT. Strive towards your goals, don't just sit there mopping around being negative, thinking no one likes or loves you and that your worthless. We have to be better than that.

No one will love, have confidence in or appreciate someone who can't love, appreciate or have confidence in themselves. It's not cute and most importantly it will just continue to damage your personal worth and self-esteem. So cut it out!

Plus-Sized Salon in England

The reason why I'm even writing all this is because in England, many plus-sized women feel intimidated to get their hair done in salons because they feel like all the skinny people are looking at them with disgust. They hate all the mirrors and apparently it's just a overall horrifying experience. The only thing I thought was valid was the fact that sometimes the chairs and sinks were too small for the women.

WHATTTTTTTT?! Hold up!

Yes, let me repeat it again, ladies dread getting their hair done because of underlying insecurities. I don't know about you but when I go to my hairdresser to get my hair done, everyone regardless of size gets out of the chair feeling like a BADDDDDDDDDD *****. Period. Why? Because, you just got your hair done and you can care less what people think. I can imagine things are harder over there considering that the average size in America for a woman is a 14/16. In England, I believe it is much smaller. But, I don't think segregation between skinny and plus-sized people is the answer to anything.

Plus-Sized collection at 2010 NY Fashion Week

Skinny people and plus-sized people are not going to go away. Everyone needs to deal with they way they are or work to change/accept it. It's as simple as that. Retailers, designers, etc need to be more accommodating of everyone. And we need to love ourselves to we can work to change the industries we consume from. The sooner we begin to love ourselves, the sooner everyone else will change their attitude and begin to love us too.

We also have to be honest with ourselves, not everyone is gonna like us, or like how we look, dress, etc. AND WHO CARES?! Do you honey. You will rarely see me in heels, but regardless of what type of shoe I have on I always feel like a BADDDDDDD *****. And when I do wear heels, I still feel like the same BADDDDDD ***** that had flats on. Don't do things for other people. Do them for YOURSELF.

That girl Chelsea Settles had to figure that out on her own. I couldn't believe she was like "what if I don't lose weight? Who will love me if I leave for LA?" EXCUSE ME?! With an attitude like that, no man will be knocking down that door. I'm sorry. Don't make decisions based on other people, make decisions for you. I'm glad she made the decision to follow her heart and move to LA to pursue her dream in fashion. Now, will it be a long road for her? Yes, because the fashion industry is obsessed with size 0-4. BUT, if she's good at what she does and works on herself, she'll find her place in the industry.

In the end, ladies, love yourselves. Be confident. Do you. The rest will follow.

MB

Interactive Marketing is EVERYWHERE

I just finished taking my first class at Georgetown and I have to admit it was pretty amazing. I didn't know what to expect in my interactive marketing class because I wasn't sure what "interactive marketing" really was. Come to find out, not only does my work in social media fall into the category of interactive marketing, but it something that touches all of our lives on a daily basis.

The internet has revolutionized the way we communicate, how businesses reach out to each other and consumers. These days anyone can be an information news source and making plans over social media outlets is the norm. I've heard of concepts like pay per click (PPC), search engine optimization (SEO), search engine marketing (SEM), social media, mobility, email etc. But I never understood how many of those concepts fell into the grand scheme of communicating a message to a particular audience.

The biggest thing I learned from my interactive marketing class is that research is pivotal to the success of an interactive marketing campaign. Understanding why your audience wants a particular good or service is one thing, but understanding how they search and locate the information they need is vital.

Keywords and terms can make or break a companies ability to market themselves. Even today, Facebook and timelines.com are going head to head because timelines.com is scared that the "Facebook timeline" will destroy their business. In the past, I would look at a story like that and just say why all the fuss? But it's a major deal when you understand the power of search terms and words associated with a brand. If Facebook does succeed with the usage of the world "timeline" it will have a significant impact on the timelines.com brand. It will affect search results, social media metrics and even their ability to reach consumers.

In the field of work that I do within the nonprofit sector, I believe it would be good to use a lot of the email concepts I learned in class like understanding how people respond to the from and subject lines. I do it all the time, I ignore unfamiliar emails, frequently deleting emails that I signed up for because they end up sending an excessive amount of irrelevant emails otherwise known to many of us as spam.

Nonprofits do a lot of email marketing not only to share information, but to fundraise, encourage a call to action, e-commerce, etc. Social media is also a great tool in the nonprofit sector. Understanding how to cultivate and sustain an audience on the web is crucial. What you do on Facebook does not easily translate on twitter considering there is a 140 character limit.

Overall I'm glad I took this class, it broadened my perspective as a communications professional and now I know that a lot of my work involves interactive marketing. Whether you like it or not, interactive marketing is everywhere and considering that budgets for digital communications are increases across all sectors it's safe to say that it's here to stay.

MB