'Full of Wonder'

"I can beat the night, I’m not afraid of thunder. I am full of light, I am full of wonder."
- Emeli Sande

If I could sum the past couple of months up in one word, I would use the word "courageous". 

I learned more about myself this summer. Far more than I expected.

Let's just say, I have a long way to go. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I'm still a work in progress. I don't regret the decisions that were made so far this year, but I do wish that I would let go of these walls that often surround me. I learned the hard way that it won't protect me from disappointment or heartbreak.

My shining glory (irony: felt far from shiny) this summer was a vulnerable moment where I found myself in tears, in the middle of a casino, consumed by emotion and literally staring my fears in the face. I was scared, yet I knew that the floor was crumbling, and eventually it just fell from underneath me. I was disappointed, but I wasn't surprised. For the first time in years, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. There was nothing I could do. The decision made long before I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I was doomed to feel embarrassed and exposed. I felt like a fool for allowing myself to go there, to get close, to have feelings. I resigned myself to being "okay", to go back to my stoic ways of not feeling, of not being exposed or vulnerable. Who am I kidding?  I can't go back.

I finally understood.

The minutes turned into hours, then days, then weeks. Now months, soon it will be years. I'm moving forward. There are days when I miss him. I'm left with memories that still warm my heart even after everything, and memories that piss me off, but I know things happen for a reason. I had to experience this, I had to grow from this, I had to understand this, the feeling of disappointment, the feeling of heartache, the feeling of moving on, the feeling of actually being okay.

The irony of it all was that during the circumstances, at the height of it all, when I knew the floor was falling from under me, I didn't get mad at God. I didn't get angry. I thanked Him, I worshiped Him, I praised Him.

God allowed me to have an emotional breakthrough. For the first time, I felt emotionally liberated. I did not expect it to happen like this or happen due to the actions of someone who was that close to me, but it did.

I allowed myself to feel. I saw His wonder, I felt God's love.

I was free.

The Buck Stops Here: Getting My Health Back

Bees, I've been slacking on posting -- but for good reason of course! I've been working hard at my new job and really adjusting the norms and minor stress of being on full-time staff. I love it though, it's definitely better than interning. Haha.

Anyway, I've been going through a few things, privately of course. But after reading a post that my bestie wrote (if you haven't read "Handcuffed to God", check it out here) I decided it would do me some good emotionally to share what's been going on.

As most of you know, I was in a major car accident a few months ago where my car was totaled and I walked away without a scratch, but I did begin to notice consistent muscle spasms going on in my back and shoulders. I was treated for it, but the pain continued to come back. So, I made the usual appointment to the doctor. Little did I know that reality was getting ready to smack me in the face. The nurse checked my vitals and took my blood pressure and immediately looked concerned. My blood pressure was very high, in fact too high for a 23-year-old. She said "it could stand to come down" and that I should keep monitoring it. When she left, I took it upon myself to look at my electronic records and I noticed a spike in my blood pressure from the summer up until now and I was pissed no one had mentioned it or brought it up. So of course I tell my doctor and I'm like look what's the deal with my blood pressure? Is it these birth control pills I'm taking, etc.

She literally shot back at me and said, "your blood pressure has always been a bit high, but we're reluctant to put you on medication because you're so young." OH. MY. GOODNESS. Blood pressure medication? A piece of me died. And she looked at me and said, "honestly, between me and you, if you don't lose the weight, you're gonna die earlier than you should." I really just sat there. After that visit I found out (after doing some blood work) I was anemic, iron (I knew about this already) AND vitamin D deficient and I would be on prescription vitamin D for the rest of my life.

Thanks to Google, I found out I've been walking around for awhile with Prehypertension. And actually, my BP readings have dipped into hypertension levels (140/100). In other words, at age 23, I'm already having blood pressure issues, which means I'm already at risk for MAJOR heart problems. My dad had blood pressure issues and he's been able to get his weight down and his blood pressure down to normal!

He almost died a little over two years ago. The doctor told him like was going to have a heart attack very soon if he didn't change his lifestyle and my dad didn't even know that was happening to him. My dad didn't tell me anything until 2 years later. Now...2 years ago I was in college...and everyone that knows me personally knows how close and quite frankly how dependent I am on my dad. My mom left when I was about 13 and I don't have a close relationship with my sister who also left a few years ago. If he passed away then...honestly I don't think I would alive today writing this post. I wish I was kidding...but I'm not.

My dad is 59. And I'm 23. Now, I am facing the same issues as he did. It's scary...BUT if you don't like something...you got it --- work to change it.

So after all that happened, I enrolled at Gold's Gym. And when I told the trainers my story, I fought back the tears because I don't like crying in front of people I don't know and honestly I didn't want it to lead to self-pity, "look at you now, not only are you fat but you did this to yourself". Um no, I'm sorry, I don't want people to feel sorry that this is happening to me just like I don't want people to feel sorry for me that I don't have a relationship with my biological mother and sister. It is what it is and it's made me the young lady that I am today. One's true character always shines in the moment of adversity and I've had a hell of a lot of it. And quite honestly, even though it took me a long time,  I love myself as I am. I'm not walking around calling myself fat or ugly or running around trying to bleach my skin because I'm dark-skinned. I don't care about that stuff anymore, because everyone---EVERYONE has insecurities. And I'll be damned if I'm wasting my life sulking about stuff that I can't change when I can focus on the things I do have control over.

My dad is proud that I want to make the change for myself. One, I really don't like asking for help. Two, it's difficult to go into a gym and admit to yourself that you have an addiction to unhealthy food. Yes, I have an addiction. Three, it's even more difficult to admit to yourself that if you don't change your life you're going to die sooner rather than later. Four, when the people at a gym are extremely worried about your health...to the point where they continue to stare at your blood pressure numbers...yea, its about time to get that life together.

I wasn't the same person after that doctor's appointment. I sat in the car and said to myself. The buck stops here. I'm not going to continue to kill myself. I'm sorry, there are things to be accomplished and my mission is far from complete. So now I go to the gym at least four times a week for about 1 hr to an 1hr and 30 mins and I do cardio and I lift weights now right next to guys who look at me like damn this chick is serious. I don't eat out anymore, I make my own food and I have salad at least 3 times a week. I drink water constantly (I do have those Crystal Light packets and I do allow myself one juice or soda a week), and I take vitamins daily now. My personal training sessions begin tomorrow and yes, this investment in my health is gonna cost me $500 for all 20 sessions ALONE (not including the $30 for gym membership). But you know what, this is my life we're talking about. Cost is a non factor in this case.

I didn't like what I heard...so now I'm changing it. And I already see results. Don't just talk the talk, be about something. What ever it is. Period.

MB

I Need Another Extension, Another Hair Extension That Is!

Oh busy bees,

I can't even lie to you all. I didn't start my exercise plan yet. I did try out my treadmill at home and even though I felt great after a 45 min workout, I need to figure out a way to get variety. LOL. I know, I know! I can feel you all shaking your heads at me. I decided to manage my stress by getting my hair done. I recently tried this "Remy hair" that everyone has been raving about. I paid about $140 for two packs of the Goddess Remi (Yaki, 14 inches) and $250 to get it done (including a relaxer, etc). It was a heavy price to pay but it was WORTH it! Recently, the NY Times published an article about how hair extension theft is on the rise. I can see why people are anxious to get their hands on this hair. It looks AND feels good. It's probably the best investment I've ever made in regards to my hair and I will not be going back to anything else. 

Now...my fellow interns I must warn you, don't go spending all your money. I waited FIVE months to do my hair and I have very kinky hair that breaks easily and mats up like carpet quickly. This isn't something I would recommend for us to do constantly because if you don't have the funds, YOU WILL BE BROKE. I'm not gonna sugar coat it, I'm definitely not spending money on anything I don't need for another month because my wallet took a hit for this. #thingsIhadfivemonthstothinkabout

I will be back with a video update though, probably giving my thoughts on the hair and hopefully an update on working out, in addition to other ways to manage stress. 

"You've been gone for TOO long MB!"

Hello busy bees!

I know, you're giving me the side eye. I've been missing in action for over a month and I decide to pop up and do a post conveniently in May. LOL. Being an intern is NOT easy! Contrary to popular belief, we actually do substantial work and I do go home tired. But I digress!

I've returned to jumpstart my first InternWeekly series "Managing Stress" (how convenient). The past year has definitely been a test of my faith full of ups and downs and I must say I really did not think I would still be in this position, if at all but I really have to thank God for keeping my sanity through it all. With that said, there were different things I tried (and still try) to manage my stress. So I decided that I'm finally going to drop this college weight (perhaps some HS weight too), workout this summer and document it for all of you to see. I figured a video diary would be better than me just writing all of this out. SO the entire series, in addition to my personal journey will be in video form. How exciting!

Also, I wanted to let you busy bees know that my bestie Brenda landed a full time job as well! YAY! I've touched on networking before and making connections but I really didn't talk about how your close friends and family can be great resources as well. In this case, I was able to really understand what type of transition she wanted to make and as any good friend would, I looked out for jobs/internships for her. I came across a job posting on AU Careerweb and I sent it to her (future recruiter in the making perhaps? LOL). And with a dash of my creative writing (yes I help people with their resume and cover letters) and her ability to sell herself, she landed a position that wasn't even advertised (she ended up getting the same position for a different department which was more along the lines of what she wants to do). God certainly doesn't put desires in our heart for nothing, be sure he will use the people around you to bless you.

So for all my fellow interns out there and to the upcoming graduates from the Class of 2011, don't be discouraged. Your job will come. For me I've definitely found a place at Racepoint DC. The culture there has inspired me to think outside of the box and be more of a content producer rather than just a consumer of social media. I can only help to learn from my fellow colleagues and even inspire them to try new techniques as well. I do see a future there, but I know in PR, I have to earn my spot and I'm more than willing to do that :).

Stay tuned for the first "Managing Stress" post. I hoping to post videos 1-2 times a week, but I can't make any promises because I am a busy woman. But I will do my best to make the posts consistent for you all (Blogger 101- always post consistently).

xoxo
MB