Sometimes You Just Have to Get Some Perspective

It is January 2015. I'm sitting in my room with the lights off, surfing the internet and I come across this blog. I look at the date and realized that I've been away for two years and five months. And you know what, I did not miss it at all. Not one bit.

Sometimes, you have step back and get some perspective.

Since my last post, I was diagnosed with diabetes (yikes I know), I started a new job (holy sh*t), worked on a political campaign, I've given a speech to members of Congress at Capitol Hill and survived what feels like a million dates with the weirdest guys ever. Eck. I went natural and chopped all my hair off. I entered my late twenties AND I finally moved into the city. Yes, I was an imposter. I was working in the city, but not quite living in it. Now, I can finally say I'm a real city girl. Go ahead - give me a slow clap.

Anyway, you're probably wondering, "why would you come back now?"

Well, when you gain perspective on your life and begin to set priorities - things become clear. I didn't miss the blog, but I did miss writing. I also missed expressing my feelings and being creative about it. I can't lie, I read my last post and said, "oh snap, that was good!" No sh*t Sarah, you were in pain - of course it was good.

Little did I know, that it would be a part of the catalyst that would set off a chain of events leading me to this very moment, right now, blogging as a WHOLE person. Not just free from heartache (which I honestly wasn't when I wrote my last post in 2012 - it wasn't until December of that year where I really started to heal lol), but also free from brokenness and fear.

I've put myself out there a lot in the past two years and five months and most of the time I ended up with my face on the floor. I'm sure my close friends saw it coming, but I silently thank them for not wagging their fingers and saying, "I told you so."

I still walked away from every experience with a new perspective of who I am and what I want out of life. I've even put my big girl panties on and joined a new church. I'm involved in a ministry and a bible study group. I guess there's truth to "train up a child..." and there's also truth to the fact that there is absolute freedom in Christ.

But, do you know what I want? No? Of course you don't. I'll tell you though. Why? Because, I can.

I want to write more and I want to get my hands on the latest Ben and Jerry's ice cream lol. So, here I am...wondering what to do with this blog and with the limited amount of time that I do have each day.

I'll keep thinking about it. But, in the meantime, I'm back. So let's take on the world together, just me, you and the keyboard.

MB

'Full of Wonder'

"I can beat the night, I’m not afraid of thunder. I am full of light, I am full of wonder."
- Emeli Sande

If I could sum the past couple of months up in one word, I would use the word "courageous". 

I learned more about myself this summer. Far more than I expected.

Let's just say, I have a long way to go. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I'm still a work in progress. I don't regret the decisions that were made so far this year, but I do wish that I would let go of these walls that often surround me. I learned the hard way that it won't protect me from disappointment or heartbreak.

My shining glory (irony: felt far from shiny) this summer was a vulnerable moment where I found myself in tears, in the middle of a casino, consumed by emotion and literally staring my fears in the face. I was scared, yet I knew that the floor was crumbling, and eventually it just fell from underneath me. I was disappointed, but I wasn't surprised. For the first time in years, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. There was nothing I could do. The decision made long before I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I was doomed to feel embarrassed and exposed. I felt like a fool for allowing myself to go there, to get close, to have feelings. I resigned myself to being "okay", to go back to my stoic ways of not feeling, of not being exposed or vulnerable. Who am I kidding?  I can't go back.

I finally understood.

The minutes turned into hours, then days, then weeks. Now months, soon it will be years. I'm moving forward. There are days when I miss him. I'm left with memories that still warm my heart even after everything, and memories that piss me off, but I know things happen for a reason. I had to experience this, I had to grow from this, I had to understand this, the feeling of disappointment, the feeling of heartache, the feeling of moving on, the feeling of actually being okay.

The irony of it all was that during the circumstances, at the height of it all, when I knew the floor was falling from under me, I didn't get mad at God. I didn't get angry. I thanked Him, I worshiped Him, I praised Him.

God allowed me to have an emotional breakthrough. For the first time, I felt emotionally liberated. I did not expect it to happen like this or happen due to the actions of someone who was that close to me, but it did.

I allowed myself to feel. I saw His wonder, I felt God's love.

I was free.

A Morning Epiphany

This morning, I had an epiphany. Thus some inspiration for a FULL post (finally I know).

It's true when older family members and friends say that your mid-20's is the time when you begin to find yourself and figure out what you like and don't like. I'm not the same girl I was in undergrad. I always made it difficult for people to get to know me, constantly putting walls up, remaining guarded. People obviously find that frustrating because they want to connect. I'm finding that at 24, that shit is tiring. Haha. No seriously, it's exhausting and it's pointless. Who does it benefit? No one. Exactly. So I had to cut it out and be candid with the people in my life.

I enjoy being myself. I'm quiet at times, but I can be outgoing and loud like the rest of them. I'm very reflective and I like to take time to think about my responses before answering. I'm a better writer than I am a verbal communicator because of that. Many of my friends are extroverted, so they probably perceive my  long pause as me avoiding the question or forgetting, but sometimes it's just me trying to figure out what to say while avoiding multiple "ums". I don't like being interrupted either but I find that many of my friends do this anyway...must be an extroverted thing, I usually just let it slide but it does get frustrating at times.

I found that I like company just as much as I enjoy my alone time, which usually includes pampering myself at the nail salon or shopping at some store. But, I've also learned over the past two years that I have a lot of fears. Many of those fears are things I really never considered. No, I'm not talking about my snake phobia or screaming every time I see a mosquito lol. I'm talking about deeper fears, like feeling vulnerable, losing people, allowing myself to love, saying what's on my mind, etc.

At the heart of it all, I'm scared that the people I allow into my life will just walk away, without a goodbye, without explanation, just like that...poof. Gone in an instant. I'm still dealing with my maternal issues. It's hard to explain what it's like not to be sure if your mother really loves or ever loved you. Or how you can have a sister that has no idea who you are, to never have had a real conversation with her or even advice from her about anything. At the same time, I've been blessed with an amazing best friend and a whole lot of girlfriends who are always there for me in the area of feminine issues haha. So where I lack in one area, God has provided for me in another. It still eats at me sometimes though.

I really started thinking about it after the cookout when my bf asked me why I never learned how to cook. I don't currently and I eventually want to, so I wasn't offended, but it was a good opportunity to be more open about it with him than I've been in the past. I don't really get deep with a lot of people, so being vulnerable in that situation, especially with him, even though I was mopping during my answer (a clear sign of nervousness), was a step in the right direction.

People assume that you can just pick up a cookbook or just pick up a makeup brush or just start shopping for yourself. It's not easy, taking those first steps, especially taking them alone. I'm a visual learner. Reading a book or having someone verbally tell me what to do won't cut it. I need to see it done in person, replicate it and then repeat. That's why I'm such a bomb ass dancer. I'm capable of learning routines just by sitting in the audience, its all visual and hands on for me. But, I don't this dawned on me until I had to answer that question. In fact, the topic of this entire blog post didn't dawn on me until I answered that question. I'm still finding my way and figuring things out, but I can't grow or learn if I don't face my fears and open up to those around me. I have to be willing to embrace my past for what it is without allowing it to hinder my present and my future. I shouldn't feel like people will judge me for the experiences I have or haven't had. Most of the time they won't haha.

Just some food for thought. All pun intended haha (sorry I don't take myself THAT seriously, lighten up folks).

MB

Spring Updates!!!

Hey Bees!

I've been trying to get a post up for awhile but I've been too busy or I'd delete the post because I didn't like it. Anyway, I started a new program called Take Shape For Life with Medifast.

Day 1: The food was absolutely disgusting at first taste and the soy was triggering my allergies a bit. Slight headaches and hunger pains. :(

Day 2: Felt energized. The food started to taste better. Although, cravings started to kick in.

Day 3: Still felt energized, the food tasted even better, had serious cravings and food shopping was unbearable. Some hunger pains.

Day 4: Felt REALLY energized, the food tasted fine, no cravings, no hunger. Had severe body cramping at night the point where I had to break the plan and eat a banana (which is not allowed on the weight-loss portion of the program) to stop the cramping, several bathroom trips.

This is where it hurts (both sides)

At the beginning the food was horrible, but by day 3 I was used to the taste of soy. On day 4, I experienced no hunger. BUT, the night of day 4 was horrible. I'm already prone to muscle spasms and unfortunately when you're on a low-carb, high protein diet, muscle spasms are a possible side effect.

Needless to say, my entire back and shoulders cramped up, re-aggravating my car accident injury (mind you this cramping began as I was driving) and my legs were cramping all over the place (while I was trying to sleep at home). I'm actually sugar-coating the situation, if I actually explain everything that happened in detail, most of you would freak out. I ended up eating a banana and my spasms stopped immediately.

Bananas are high in calories and carbs but rich in potassium

Basically, I'm writing this just to say that everyone is going to have different reactions to different plans. Unfortunately, last nights incident made me realize that this plan as it stands is probably not the proper nutritional value for my body specifically. If you know me, you know my lower body is a powerhouse. I have legs people would kill for because of years of technical dance training. Now, I opted to do a two-week trial to see if I would like the Medifast program or not. I will go on record to say it works. I lost about 7lbs (yea I know that's a lot in a few days) so it definitely does work!

My health coach is good with getting back to me with feedback and helpful when it comes to finding new recipes and ordering supplies. And they have pretty good food options (I had Brown sugar oatmeal, choc/vanilla shakes *amazing!!*, sloppy joe (didn't like this), cinnamon roll and smores bars, cream of tomato soup (didn't like this), tropical punch drink and I have pancakes and eggs that I haven't tried yet. But, when it comes down to the muscle spasms, the aftermath (excessively sore muscles) interferes with my mobility and concentration level. In essence, anything going to cause me to get muscle cramps is not one that's going to work well for me. I also wanted to note that I take daily supplements and drink at least 8 bottles of Deer Park water a day (I was drinking at least 4 bottles before I started the plan). So, I'm 100% sure that yesterday's cramping was a result of too much sodium and not enough potassium in my body. Do I blame the plan, no, maybe like 10%. Do I blame myself? Yes. I think more research needs to be done on my end to see what types of greens would give me higher potassium levels (like the spinach I bought two days ago for my taco salad that I'm making tomorrow lol).

On the up side, I did get a lot of recipes, a new blender, and ideas from this. I'm hoping to incorporate that into a new diet where I can add beneficial carbs and potassium so I don't cramp up. I'll probably work in the rest of the meals I have left into a plan that works for my VERY ACTIVE social life. One thing that I realized is that I have too many friends and everyone wants to go out. So that's my lean and green meal right there. There's no guarantee the lean and green meal I'm gonna get that the venue is going to give me what I need nutrient-wise. So, it's really difficult for me to make sure I get the exact foods that I need when I'm never home to actually cook it myself. I'm not even writing this blog from home (I'm in my cubicle at work writing this and it's almost 7pm on a Friday lol).

I'm also ready to get back in the gym. The plan doesn't allow you to work out for the first 3 weeks, that was a killer, because I know I need to get back in the gym NOW. I think I'll use the shakes to curb my eating at night and the bars to hold me over during the day so I'm not snacking, but I think the main breakfast, lunch and dinner need to be my option of a lean and green so I can make sure I'm getting what I need so I don't hurt myself.

Will I continue on the plan as is? No. Last night really scared me, so after the food runs out, I might continue to buy the shakes and perhaps the bars and use that to help curb unnecessary snacking but I don't think I'll do the 5+1 as it is.

MB

PS: Georgetown classes are going well. Already registered for Summer and Fall 2012 classes. Woot! Oh and my PR program is the #1 masters program for Public Relations in the country.

The Buck Stops Here: Getting My Health Back

Bees, I've been slacking on posting -- but for good reason of course! I've been working hard at my new job and really adjusting the norms and minor stress of being on full-time staff. I love it though, it's definitely better than interning. Haha.

Anyway, I've been going through a few things, privately of course. But after reading a post that my bestie wrote (if you haven't read "Handcuffed to God", check it out here) I decided it would do me some good emotionally to share what's been going on.

As most of you know, I was in a major car accident a few months ago where my car was totaled and I walked away without a scratch, but I did begin to notice consistent muscle spasms going on in my back and shoulders. I was treated for it, but the pain continued to come back. So, I made the usual appointment to the doctor. Little did I know that reality was getting ready to smack me in the face. The nurse checked my vitals and took my blood pressure and immediately looked concerned. My blood pressure was very high, in fact too high for a 23-year-old. She said "it could stand to come down" and that I should keep monitoring it. When she left, I took it upon myself to look at my electronic records and I noticed a spike in my blood pressure from the summer up until now and I was pissed no one had mentioned it or brought it up. So of course I tell my doctor and I'm like look what's the deal with my blood pressure? Is it these birth control pills I'm taking, etc.

She literally shot back at me and said, "your blood pressure has always been a bit high, but we're reluctant to put you on medication because you're so young." OH. MY. GOODNESS. Blood pressure medication? A piece of me died. And she looked at me and said, "honestly, between me and you, if you don't lose the weight, you're gonna die earlier than you should." I really just sat there. After that visit I found out (after doing some blood work) I was anemic, iron (I knew about this already) AND vitamin D deficient and I would be on prescription vitamin D for the rest of my life.

Thanks to Google, I found out I've been walking around for awhile with Prehypertension. And actually, my BP readings have dipped into hypertension levels (140/100). In other words, at age 23, I'm already having blood pressure issues, which means I'm already at risk for MAJOR heart problems. My dad had blood pressure issues and he's been able to get his weight down and his blood pressure down to normal!

He almost died a little over two years ago. The doctor told him like was going to have a heart attack very soon if he didn't change his lifestyle and my dad didn't even know that was happening to him. My dad didn't tell me anything until 2 years later. Now...2 years ago I was in college...and everyone that knows me personally knows how close and quite frankly how dependent I am on my dad. My mom left when I was about 13 and I don't have a close relationship with my sister who also left a few years ago. If he passed away then...honestly I don't think I would alive today writing this post. I wish I was kidding...but I'm not.

My dad is 59. And I'm 23. Now, I am facing the same issues as he did. It's scary...BUT if you don't like something...you got it --- work to change it.

So after all that happened, I enrolled at Gold's Gym. And when I told the trainers my story, I fought back the tears because I don't like crying in front of people I don't know and honestly I didn't want it to lead to self-pity, "look at you now, not only are you fat but you did this to yourself". Um no, I'm sorry, I don't want people to feel sorry that this is happening to me just like I don't want people to feel sorry for me that I don't have a relationship with my biological mother and sister. It is what it is and it's made me the young lady that I am today. One's true character always shines in the moment of adversity and I've had a hell of a lot of it. And quite honestly, even though it took me a long time,  I love myself as I am. I'm not walking around calling myself fat or ugly or running around trying to bleach my skin because I'm dark-skinned. I don't care about that stuff anymore, because everyone---EVERYONE has insecurities. And I'll be damned if I'm wasting my life sulking about stuff that I can't change when I can focus on the things I do have control over.

My dad is proud that I want to make the change for myself. One, I really don't like asking for help. Two, it's difficult to go into a gym and admit to yourself that you have an addiction to unhealthy food. Yes, I have an addiction. Three, it's even more difficult to admit to yourself that if you don't change your life you're going to die sooner rather than later. Four, when the people at a gym are extremely worried about your health...to the point where they continue to stare at your blood pressure numbers...yea, its about time to get that life together.

I wasn't the same person after that doctor's appointment. I sat in the car and said to myself. The buck stops here. I'm not going to continue to kill myself. I'm sorry, there are things to be accomplished and my mission is far from complete. So now I go to the gym at least four times a week for about 1 hr to an 1hr and 30 mins and I do cardio and I lift weights now right next to guys who look at me like damn this chick is serious. I don't eat out anymore, I make my own food and I have salad at least 3 times a week. I drink water constantly (I do have those Crystal Light packets and I do allow myself one juice or soda a week), and I take vitamins daily now. My personal training sessions begin tomorrow and yes, this investment in my health is gonna cost me $500 for all 20 sessions ALONE (not including the $30 for gym membership). But you know what, this is my life we're talking about. Cost is a non factor in this case.

I didn't like what I heard...so now I'm changing it. And I already see results. Don't just talk the talk, be about something. What ever it is. Period.

MB

Ladies: We Need to Have Confidence in Ourselves

Chelsea Settles on MTV

I generally don't write posts directed at one particular group but, I felt the need to do this after hearing something on the radio and watching Chelsea Settles on MTV.

Ladies, we need to have confidence in ourselves. It's as simple as that. There are too many capable, beautiful, intelligent young women running around agonizing about the acne on their face, their weight, their makeup, their shoes, whether they're good enough for their man or for a man at all and even whether they are good enough for God.

Listen to me when I say it all starts with us. We have to love ourselves as we are. If there's something you don't like and you can change it, then CHANGE IT. And if there's something you can't change, ACCEPT IT. Strive towards your goals, don't just sit there mopping around being negative, thinking no one likes or loves you and that your worthless. We have to be better than that.

No one will love, have confidence in or appreciate someone who can't love, appreciate or have confidence in themselves. It's not cute and most importantly it will just continue to damage your personal worth and self-esteem. So cut it out!

Plus-Sized Salon in England

The reason why I'm even writing all this is because in England, many plus-sized women feel intimidated to get their hair done in salons because they feel like all the skinny people are looking at them with disgust. They hate all the mirrors and apparently it's just a overall horrifying experience. The only thing I thought was valid was the fact that sometimes the chairs and sinks were too small for the women.

WHATTTTTTTT?! Hold up!

Yes, let me repeat it again, ladies dread getting their hair done because of underlying insecurities. I don't know about you but when I go to my hairdresser to get my hair done, everyone regardless of size gets out of the chair feeling like a BADDDDDDDDDD *****. Period. Why? Because, you just got your hair done and you can care less what people think. I can imagine things are harder over there considering that the average size in America for a woman is a 14/16. In England, I believe it is much smaller. But, I don't think segregation between skinny and plus-sized people is the answer to anything.

Plus-Sized collection at 2010 NY Fashion Week

Skinny people and plus-sized people are not going to go away. Everyone needs to deal with they way they are or work to change/accept it. It's as simple as that. Retailers, designers, etc need to be more accommodating of everyone. And we need to love ourselves to we can work to change the industries we consume from. The sooner we begin to love ourselves, the sooner everyone else will change their attitude and begin to love us too.

We also have to be honest with ourselves, not everyone is gonna like us, or like how we look, dress, etc. AND WHO CARES?! Do you honey. You will rarely see me in heels, but regardless of what type of shoe I have on I always feel like a BADDDDDDD *****. And when I do wear heels, I still feel like the same BADDDDDD ***** that had flats on. Don't do things for other people. Do them for YOURSELF.

That girl Chelsea Settles had to figure that out on her own. I couldn't believe she was like "what if I don't lose weight? Who will love me if I leave for LA?" EXCUSE ME?! With an attitude like that, no man will be knocking down that door. I'm sorry. Don't make decisions based on other people, make decisions for you. I'm glad she made the decision to follow her heart and move to LA to pursue her dream in fashion. Now, will it be a long road for her? Yes, because the fashion industry is obsessed with size 0-4. BUT, if she's good at what she does and works on herself, she'll find her place in the industry.

In the end, ladies, love yourselves. Be confident. Do you. The rest will follow.

MB

Rewards Are Never Given, They Are Always Earned

Bees, I just wanted to get this out quickly. So much has already happened in the past 17 days it's not even funny. I didn't expect to go to Ghana, come back and have my life magically snap in place (apparently my dad did, but I didn't see that). Well actually, it wasn't "magic", it was God and it was more of a progression than a SNAP. I don't really feel like going into details, but let's just say that a lot of things have finally worked out in different areas of my life.

The lessons I've learned over the past year are ones that I'll never regret and this moment is one I'll never forget. It is by far the BIGGEST sigh of relief EVER. Last December, I completely lost it. Everything felt out of control, foreign and quite frankly I was fearful. So I did something to take control: I decided to stop being stupid and ACT. Long story short, my actions spoke louder than my words. That was my mantra for 2011. I actually did something for once, had a bit a faith---and well, something happened. I messed up several times along the way, but I'm human. I'm not perfect and I still have a lot to learn about myself and quite frankly about other people. I'm glad everything happened the way it did, not just in this past year but over the past couple of years.

I thank God for everything. Especially for reading that note that I put under my pillow every night with a list of things I really wanted...because little did I know, He already gave them to me. :)

Don't think I'm gonna kick back and relax now. I'm just getting started...

PS: If you're wondering what I'm talking about you might want to do some stalking on my Facebook or my Linked-In in the near future. *hint hint*

MB

Understanding Your Gift

My posts have become increasingly personal because I need an outlet to release all this stress from job searching. I really wanted to touch on something that I realized today: Understanding Your Gift. No I'm not talking about Christmas or birthdays. I'm talking about understanding the gifts and talents that God gave you and using them to move toward your purpose and destiny.

I was having a convo with my bestie (follow her on Twitter @Brenda_Bren) and I realized that I enjoy creating roadmaps for people. Let me explain. Recently, I've been a bit obsessed with learning more about what strategy is and what it means in the grand scheme of a communications plan. It's one thing to implement tactics and get caught up in the fine details, but it is certainly another to come up with the overall plan which will help lead to the desired end result. I enjoy doing that. In my everyday life I enjoy helping my friends and family see their lives and careers differently from a strategic perspective. And it made me realize that I really need to move forward in that direction. One metaphor I used today eluded to the VH1 Show "Single Ladies". Everyone knows Stacey Dash (who plays Valerie Stokes), but not a lot of people know about Stacy A. Littlejohn, the writer of "Single Ladies".

In my opinion, Dash represents the foreground and the tactics. Her acting brings the character Val to life. However, Littlejohn represents the background and the strategy. Her writing provides a framework for the characters and the show. Without the writer there would be no Val. I see myself as that writer or in this case a communicator who wants to provide the framework (strategy) for a communications plan that supports the overall goals and objectives of an organization. I don't know why it took me this long to figure that out but I'm glad I did. In a few weeks I'll be starting courses at Georgetown and it will definitely help to have a better understanding of what I want and where I want to go.

I swear it's a never ending journey...

MB

A Moment of Vulnerability

Scene from One Tree Hill 

My first weekend back in the states had to be epic. I could not (and quite frankly, I would not) spend it at home, bored, watching the "children" in Congress continue to bicker over this debt ceiling crisis. I had to get out of the house after sitting in it for about 72 hrs.

The night out was great in many different ways but at one point, I had a moment of vulnerability. A feeling I haven't allowed myself to have in a really long time. I'm not really going to get into the details about what triggered it or what my initial reaction was to it because that's just another blog post for another blog honestly. The moment just made me more self-aware. It served as a reminder of how far I've come and how far I have yet to go. And it also made me realize that although I may choose to ignore certain aspects of myself, others cannot.

My reality is simply this: I am who I am because of God. I accept the things I cannot change and for the things that I could improve upon, I'm sure I have it on a list somewhere. Just don't expect me to pay more attention to it because of YOU.

It Just Takes a Good Smack...

I'm officially beyond halfway through this trip as we only have 2 full days left in Cape Coast. I'm definitely going to miss it but I am anxious to get home, back to reality I guess. Coming back to Ghana made me realize that in some aspects I've definitely changed- like being open to new and unfamiliar traditions. After 23 years of dodging, I finally put on traditional African attire. It felt weird but this time around I enjoyed it. As a kid I always found the outfits to be stiff and constricting. Now I didn't even notice.

Relaxing has given me some time to think about what I want and what I need right now. I have to admit, my priorities are all over the place and something my dad said struck me: "Fantis have problems taking risks, they don't want to fail." Ah. So that's my problem, I'm afraid to fail. Being 23, unemployed with experience in a field that I'm not even sure I want to continue with is scary. But life is like that, nothing is certain or guaranteed. I just need to go for my dreams, just like I did when I was little. I've already come so far and accomplished so much but I know there's more work to be done. I think coming "home" made me realize that. So as I enjoy these few days I have left in Ghana, I need to set new goals and start putting things into action.

Sometimes it just takes a good smack in the head to realize what you're doing wrong and what you could be doing right. Go figure.

MB

Before I Let Go...

Hello Bees!

Greetings from Ghana! I obviously could not stay away from the computer long enough. Actually, me and my dad began sufferring from CNN/News withdrawal. LOL. We have no TV, no continuous internet, phone, and I have no idea what the hell is going on in Ghana, let alone in America. SMH. I have no idea what the weather will be like until I walk outside, but nonetheless I enjoy it. This trip is a much needed break from the stress back in the states. So much so that I realized today, during breakfast, that my left eye stopped twitching and I don't get daily headaches. Plus, I don't think I've slept this well in a year.

Anywho, I decided to get on blogger today not really to talk about the trip persay, but more so to vent about a revelation that I had today. You see I'm not in Ghana for this deluxe vacation (it's far from that trust me). I'm actually here because my grandpa passed away and we're doing the ceremonies/services this weekend. We saw his body today and I was not physically or emotionally prepared for that, but it was certainly something that I needed to experience. It served as a reminder of my own morality that I often "forget" about and today it really hit me that at any point in time any one of us could be gone. Just like that. I have to admit, there are a lot of things that I haven't done or said that I probably need to and hopefully when I get back I can work on speaking up. I'll be the first one to admit that I am a master with the pen, but a fool with the tongue.

Which brings me to another thought- why do we wait until it's too late to say how we feel? I mean not even when we're facing our own morality, but just in general. People are just so damn slow to speak up and say what's really going on in their heads. And honestly, I think it's fear:  fear of rejection, isolation, disappointment, failure, etc. That's what myself and a lot of others have to overcome. Life is too short to live on assumptions, walking in the shadows apprehensive, wondering, wishing, waiting...in this case for something that's never going to come because I like many others don't go after it.

Now, I'm not saying I need to free-fall down a cliff or bungee jump (not gonna happen, ever- sorry), but I am saying that I need to be more open to my friends and family about how I'm really feeling and even how I feel about them. I have a really difficult time [verbally] saying that I "love", "like", "miss" people (I don't however have an issue letting you know if I don't like you or if you've pissed me off lol).  Let's not even get into my dating life, all my friends can testify with full faith and confidence that I am a 20-something year old version of Keisha from VH1's Single Ladies. I never wanna show ANY of my cards, I refuse to feel vulnerable, and I operate like a guy LOL. Do I feel vulnerable? Yes, with some guys I do. And I do approach dating like a guy, from a sense of rationality. I did the whole, I'ma be in my feelings thing and that was a DISASTER. You can't be all heart and no mind, there has to be a balance. Haha, ok I just showed TOO many cards in this post (consider them freebees). I'm working on my denial girls, I'm working on it *no judgements*.

Either way, time is too precious and short to be playing around. I've got moves to make, what are yours? Because before I let go...I'ma need you to "check me boo". Haha! ;)

MB

Knowing When and Where to Make Your Dramatic Exit

As you all know, I've been interning at the Q for six months and I decided to end that journey yesterday. It wasn't an abrupt departure, it was planned and everyone knew in advance. I think it's important you know yourself and what you want from your internship experiences. And I knew that the time had come for me to move forward.

For me personally, I still have a lot of professional curiosity and there are some things that I feel like I still need to learn before I can really give any public relations firm what they need in order to add value to their current business. It's all about knowing when and where to make your dramatic exit. There's no point of dragging your feet in the mud if you know it's time for you to move on. I made great friends and hopefully long lasting connections and maybe even a mentor at the Q. They really helped me fuel my passion for the art of public relations. With that said I left on a positive note and it confirmed to me that greatness lies ahead for me.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying my last two days off part-time as I gear up to join Racepoint full-time!  I'm excited to join the DC team and learn more about how to integrate traditional media and non-traditional media to suit the needs of their clients. This time around I want to strive to learn more about their business model and how my role can help to make a considerable impact for the team. I also plan on keeping my eyes and ears on the pulse of new media, adapting technologies and innovative ways to redefine and cultivate new ways to conduct the art of public relations.

To the Q, I bid you farewell. To Racepoint, I say- LET'S GO!

-M

"Heads Will Roll...Heads Will Roll..."

Buzzzzzz...

That was the sound my alarm made this morning around 8am. My night was horrid because I had calf cramps and this time they lasted forever. I figured I was dehydrated or something but even right now they feel weird. Sigh.

Anyway, today was interesting. I got a phone call from a fellow intern (#internconnections) and an assignment changed and there was a serious deadline. Although today was my day off, I snapped into super intern mode and took the initiative to do some work so that the deadline could be met and no heads would roll in the office. Needless to say it was a valuable lesson: Make sure you have people's backs. Regardless if it is a colleague or intern it's important to work together to make a goal or objective. I'm 100% sure that she appreciates me and trusts me WAY more than she would have if I just said oh well sucks for you, good luck with the deadline. LOL.

That brings me to my next point. You know it's time for you to move forward into an entry-level position if you are checking your email on your days off and actually doing work anyway. I check my emails everyday, sometimes every hour just so see if new information has come in. It's important that I stay well informed and connected. Sometimes I think that I sell myself short haha. Either way all was well in Q land and no heads rolled. Super Intern saves the day...again *winks*

PS: I have this mash-up song from Glee stuck in my head. It may very well be my favorite number from the series hands down.

What Happens to a Dream Deferred?

What happens to a dream deferred?

What happens when you are stuck between a rock and a hard place?

I'll tell you what happens. You get individuals that will fight for what they believe in. You get individuals that will not back down. You get individuals that will continue to go through the struggle to receive the promise.

These past few weeks have been hard for me. I've been interviewing like crazy and even while sick with the flu I've hustled like I've never hustled before. But on Monday, a university told me I wasn't smart enough on paper to apply to their school and on Wednesday a prospective job told me I was incapable of writing grammatically correct statements and using online systems. It's also obvious that on Tuesday, I put my trust in someone who probably did not have my best interest at heart- thus leading to the heart wrenching e-mail I received on Wednesday. Either way, I know I'm fully capable of writing sentences that are grammatically correct. I also know that I am smart enough to attend graduate school.

Within 72 hrs, two of my dreams were denied. Or in this case--deferred. One door shut on my dream to advance myself academically and another closed on what could have been my first job offer.

God has a way of making things happen. Nothing in life happens by accident. Am I having a hard time coming to grips with the comments and/or decisions made? Yes. Why? Because words hurt. It hurts to know that some people don't believe in you or see your potential or even think you are capable of great things. It also hurts when you start imagining yourself in that situation and it never happens.

I don't know what God's plan is for my life. At this point it could be anything. What I do know is that God has put in my heart the desire to be someone great. Not someone that goes through the motions of life but someone that will change the world, have an impact on lives and do good to everyone near and far. That dream, that desire, that is what drives me. That is the source of my ambition, that is the source of my grind. That is why I go online and spend hours researching job positions and perfecting my cover letters. That is why I aspire to go to school so I can be a knowledge producer instead of a knowledge consumer. I know I am capable of changing the world but I haven't found my purpose yet. Maybe marketing is not the direction He wants me to go in. That's fine, I accept that. I accept whatever His will is for my life because whether I like it or not, I am not in control. He is in control.

So despite everything going on and how I'm feeling, I would publicly like to thank God for giving me the opportunity to experience this so I can share this with friends and family and my future family. God's rejection is truly His protection. He has me going through trials and tribulations because he is preparing me for something great. And I will walk in faith. While people think I'm crazy to intern for free, I will continue to do what God wants me to do because when He believes I am ready, it will all fall into place.

I got through living in a tumultuous, broken home. I got through being one of the BADDEST plus-sized dancers (and I STILL GOT IT HONEY DON'T PLAY ME LOL). I managed to live through getting rejected by every college I applied to but ONE. I managed to sit in a room and be the only African-American student and not only hold it down for my people, but to show that we are fully capable of analyzing, dissecting, proving and disproving an argument. I managed to graduate on time. And somehow I managed to land internships at a world-renown newspaper and a top tier PR firm. So here I am, I stand before you a fighter. I came into this world kicking and screaming from day ONE. And if anyone thinks rejection letters, broken hearts, an absent mother, and an inability to land a first job is going to stop me from being great then you must not know me.

What would Jesus do? He would keep it moving. So that's what I'ma do. I'm chuck up the deuces honey, "i'm moving on to something better, better, better..."