Before I Let Go...

Hello Bees!

Greetings from Ghana! I obviously could not stay away from the computer long enough. Actually, me and my dad began sufferring from CNN/News withdrawal. LOL. We have no TV, no continuous internet, phone, and I have no idea what the hell is going on in Ghana, let alone in America. SMH. I have no idea what the weather will be like until I walk outside, but nonetheless I enjoy it. This trip is a much needed break from the stress back in the states. So much so that I realized today, during breakfast, that my left eye stopped twitching and I don't get daily headaches. Plus, I don't think I've slept this well in a year.

Anywho, I decided to get on blogger today not really to talk about the trip persay, but more so to vent about a revelation that I had today. You see I'm not in Ghana for this deluxe vacation (it's far from that trust me). I'm actually here because my grandpa passed away and we're doing the ceremonies/services this weekend. We saw his body today and I was not physically or emotionally prepared for that, but it was certainly something that I needed to experience. It served as a reminder of my own morality that I often "forget" about and today it really hit me that at any point in time any one of us could be gone. Just like that. I have to admit, there are a lot of things that I haven't done or said that I probably need to and hopefully when I get back I can work on speaking up. I'll be the first one to admit that I am a master with the pen, but a fool with the tongue.

Which brings me to another thought- why do we wait until it's too late to say how we feel? I mean not even when we're facing our own morality, but just in general. People are just so damn slow to speak up and say what's really going on in their heads. And honestly, I think it's fear:  fear of rejection, isolation, disappointment, failure, etc. That's what myself and a lot of others have to overcome. Life is too short to live on assumptions, walking in the shadows apprehensive, wondering, wishing, waiting...in this case for something that's never going to come because I like many others don't go after it.

Now, I'm not saying I need to free-fall down a cliff or bungee jump (not gonna happen, ever- sorry), but I am saying that I need to be more open to my friends and family about how I'm really feeling and even how I feel about them. I have a really difficult time [verbally] saying that I "love", "like", "miss" people (I don't however have an issue letting you know if I don't like you or if you've pissed me off lol).  Let's not even get into my dating life, all my friends can testify with full faith and confidence that I am a 20-something year old version of Keisha from VH1's Single Ladies. I never wanna show ANY of my cards, I refuse to feel vulnerable, and I operate like a guy LOL. Do I feel vulnerable? Yes, with some guys I do. And I do approach dating like a guy, from a sense of rationality. I did the whole, I'ma be in my feelings thing and that was a DISASTER. You can't be all heart and no mind, there has to be a balance. Haha, ok I just showed TOO many cards in this post (consider them freebees). I'm working on my denial girls, I'm working on it *no judgements*.

Either way, time is too precious and short to be playing around. I've got moves to make, what are yours? Because before I let go...I'ma need you to "check me boo". Haha! ;)

MB