A Moment of Vulnerability

Scene from One Tree Hill 

My first weekend back in the states had to be epic. I could not (and quite frankly, I would not) spend it at home, bored, watching the "children" in Congress continue to bicker over this debt ceiling crisis. I had to get out of the house after sitting in it for about 72 hrs.

The night out was great in many different ways but at one point, I had a moment of vulnerability. A feeling I haven't allowed myself to have in a really long time. I'm not really going to get into the details about what triggered it or what my initial reaction was to it because that's just another blog post for another blog honestly. The moment just made me more self-aware. It served as a reminder of how far I've come and how far I have yet to go. And it also made me realize that although I may choose to ignore certain aspects of myself, others cannot.

My reality is simply this: I am who I am because of God. I accept the things I cannot change and for the things that I could improve upon, I'm sure I have it on a list somewhere. Just don't expect me to pay more attention to it because of YOU.

It Just Takes a Good Smack...

I'm officially beyond halfway through this trip as we only have 2 full days left in Cape Coast. I'm definitely going to miss it but I am anxious to get home, back to reality I guess. Coming back to Ghana made me realize that in some aspects I've definitely changed- like being open to new and unfamiliar traditions. After 23 years of dodging, I finally put on traditional African attire. It felt weird but this time around I enjoyed it. As a kid I always found the outfits to be stiff and constricting. Now I didn't even notice.

Relaxing has given me some time to think about what I want and what I need right now. I have to admit, my priorities are all over the place and something my dad said struck me: "Fantis have problems taking risks, they don't want to fail." Ah. So that's my problem, I'm afraid to fail. Being 23, unemployed with experience in a field that I'm not even sure I want to continue with is scary. But life is like that, nothing is certain or guaranteed. I just need to go for my dreams, just like I did when I was little. I've already come so far and accomplished so much but I know there's more work to be done. I think coming "home" made me realize that. So as I enjoy these few days I have left in Ghana, I need to set new goals and start putting things into action.

Sometimes it just takes a good smack in the head to realize what you're doing wrong and what you could be doing right. Go figure.

MB

Before I Let Go...

Hello Bees!

Greetings from Ghana! I obviously could not stay away from the computer long enough. Actually, me and my dad began sufferring from CNN/News withdrawal. LOL. We have no TV, no continuous internet, phone, and I have no idea what the hell is going on in Ghana, let alone in America. SMH. I have no idea what the weather will be like until I walk outside, but nonetheless I enjoy it. This trip is a much needed break from the stress back in the states. So much so that I realized today, during breakfast, that my left eye stopped twitching and I don't get daily headaches. Plus, I don't think I've slept this well in a year.

Anywho, I decided to get on blogger today not really to talk about the trip persay, but more so to vent about a revelation that I had today. You see I'm not in Ghana for this deluxe vacation (it's far from that trust me). I'm actually here because my grandpa passed away and we're doing the ceremonies/services this weekend. We saw his body today and I was not physically or emotionally prepared for that, but it was certainly something that I needed to experience. It served as a reminder of my own morality that I often "forget" about and today it really hit me that at any point in time any one of us could be gone. Just like that. I have to admit, there are a lot of things that I haven't done or said that I probably need to and hopefully when I get back I can work on speaking up. I'll be the first one to admit that I am a master with the pen, but a fool with the tongue.

Which brings me to another thought- why do we wait until it's too late to say how we feel? I mean not even when we're facing our own morality, but just in general. People are just so damn slow to speak up and say what's really going on in their heads. And honestly, I think it's fear:  fear of rejection, isolation, disappointment, failure, etc. That's what myself and a lot of others have to overcome. Life is too short to live on assumptions, walking in the shadows apprehensive, wondering, wishing, waiting...in this case for something that's never going to come because I like many others don't go after it.

Now, I'm not saying I need to free-fall down a cliff or bungee jump (not gonna happen, ever- sorry), but I am saying that I need to be more open to my friends and family about how I'm really feeling and even how I feel about them. I have a really difficult time [verbally] saying that I "love", "like", "miss" people (I don't however have an issue letting you know if I don't like you or if you've pissed me off lol).  Let's not even get into my dating life, all my friends can testify with full faith and confidence that I am a 20-something year old version of Keisha from VH1's Single Ladies. I never wanna show ANY of my cards, I refuse to feel vulnerable, and I operate like a guy LOL. Do I feel vulnerable? Yes, with some guys I do. And I do approach dating like a guy, from a sense of rationality. I did the whole, I'ma be in my feelings thing and that was a DISASTER. You can't be all heart and no mind, there has to be a balance. Haha, ok I just showed TOO many cards in this post (consider them freebees). I'm working on my denial girls, I'm working on it *no judgements*.

Either way, time is too precious and short to be playing around. I've got moves to make, what are yours? Because before I let go...I'ma need you to "check me boo". Haha! ;)

MB

Murdoch He Wrote...As the Clock Goes Tick, Tock

"Murdoch He Wrote...Murdoch He Wrote..."

If you haven't heard about the Rupert Murdoch scandal, you've been hiding under a massive rock. He's currently under fire in the UK because of a phone hacking scandal and people are calling for him to be investigated in the U.S. too. Why? Well let's see, this guy owns media and entertainment outlets that have virtually touched every American. Don't think so? Let me go down the list: 20th Century Fox, Fox News, New York Post, Dow Jones, The Wall Street Journal, DirecTV and even Harper-Collins Publishers. Yup, you've been touched by him indirectly whether you like it or not. Which means this scandal is going to have a significant impact on his companies here. The scandal managed to exposed the UK's interesting relationship between the government and the media (as if we didn't know that happens, come on don't be naive) and it has people questioning journalists and their "ethical" standards. Only time will tell what will happen to him and his "empire".

"As the Clock Goes Tick, Tock"

President Obama has had ENOUGH! Thank GOD. The man socked it to Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) during the debt ceiling negotiations and basically gave everyone a serious lecture and ended the meeting. People have been slapping, poking, beating, laughing, disrespecting, spitting, and anything you can think of on Obama. The man is doing his job, shut up and let's crank out a deal. YOU WOULD THINK these the Republicans would realize that allowing this country to default would slaughter the very hands feeding. But no they keep changing their position. And Michele Bachmann has some nerve talking nonsense that if the U.S. defaults nothing will happen. UM excuse me, for all my CONSUMERS OUT THERE...what happens when you don't pay your credit card bill or that financial aid bill? Your credit will get screwed, your interest will go up, and you won't be able to buy ANYTHING. DUH, it's not theory, it's a FACT sweetheart. If the U.S. defaults on it's financial obligations we're gonna be screwed, just like the millions of Americans out there who are unable to pay their own debt. All those idiots in office need to shut up, lock it down and come up with a long-term solution for the debt ceiling before August 2nd. Otherwise, they'll be in there talking about the 2011 Recession/Depression. All I can do is SMH and hope that when I get back from my trip to Ghana that I'm not coming back to a crisis. LOL.

Single...Ladies...

OMG...my newest obsession comes on Mondays at 9pm on VH1. You guessed it. Single Ladies.

Y'all this show is the bomb. Last night the writers really threw us for a loop by having Keisha run into Malcolm's sister outside of the studio. I mean homegirl was mentoring her for a brief second. They're definitely showing Keisha's mature side and I like that. Too many shows have black women acting all types of crazy, but Single Ladies is definitely the truth.

But the biggest moment wasn't until Malcolm and Keisha got real, admitted what was going on with them and wait for it....wait for it...they made it OFFICIAL!!!!!!!! I cried like 50 times. I mean I was sitting there with Keisha every episode as she was frying Malcolm, seducing him, getting fried by him, goodness I felt for her. But last night...y'all, it really brought me back to that moment when the guy you like FINALLY AND I MEAN FINALLYYYYYY says "aight let's do this" aka "let's be officially boyfriend/girlfriend", etc. Sigh, I was so happy for her. Not to mention she finally slept over? Shoot...lemme find out Keisha is sprung. HAHA.

MB

The Sky is the Limit...I Hope...

Hey bees.

Things have been pretty tense lately and I've kinda decided to switch gears. This will be my last post for InternWeekly. I'm going to go in another direction with this blog...and not even just on here but I guess my life in general. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm going to pursue more digital stuff. So hopefully I can really develop this blog out more and do the things I wanted to do. So until then, I'll see you.

MB