'Full of Wonder'

"I can beat the night, I’m not afraid of thunder. I am full of light, I am full of wonder."
- Emeli Sande

If I could sum the past couple of months up in one word, I would use the word "courageous". 

I learned more about myself this summer. Far more than I expected.

Let's just say, I have a long way to go. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I'm still a work in progress. I don't regret the decisions that were made so far this year, but I do wish that I would let go of these walls that often surround me. I learned the hard way that it won't protect me from disappointment or heartbreak.

My shining glory (irony: felt far from shiny) this summer was a vulnerable moment where I found myself in tears, in the middle of a casino, consumed by emotion and literally staring my fears in the face. I was scared, yet I knew that the floor was crumbling, and eventually it just fell from underneath me. I was disappointed, but I wasn't surprised. For the first time in years, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. There was nothing I could do. The decision made long before I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I was doomed to feel embarrassed and exposed. I felt like a fool for allowing myself to go there, to get close, to have feelings. I resigned myself to being "okay", to go back to my stoic ways of not feeling, of not being exposed or vulnerable. Who am I kidding?  I can't go back.

I finally understood.

The minutes turned into hours, then days, then weeks. Now months, soon it will be years. I'm moving forward. There are days when I miss him. I'm left with memories that still warm my heart even after everything, and memories that piss me off, but I know things happen for a reason. I had to experience this, I had to grow from this, I had to understand this, the feeling of disappointment, the feeling of heartache, the feeling of moving on, the feeling of actually being okay.

The irony of it all was that during the circumstances, at the height of it all, when I knew the floor was falling from under me, I didn't get mad at God. I didn't get angry. I thanked Him, I worshiped Him, I praised Him.

God allowed me to have an emotional breakthrough. For the first time, I felt emotionally liberated. I did not expect it to happen like this or happen due to the actions of someone who was that close to me, but it did.

I allowed myself to feel. I saw His wonder, I felt God's love.

I was free.

A Morning Epiphany

This morning, I had an epiphany. Thus some inspiration for a FULL post (finally I know).

It's true when older family members and friends say that your mid-20's is the time when you begin to find yourself and figure out what you like and don't like. I'm not the same girl I was in undergrad. I always made it difficult for people to get to know me, constantly putting walls up, remaining guarded. People obviously find that frustrating because they want to connect. I'm finding that at 24, that shit is tiring. Haha. No seriously, it's exhausting and it's pointless. Who does it benefit? No one. Exactly. So I had to cut it out and be candid with the people in my life.

I enjoy being myself. I'm quiet at times, but I can be outgoing and loud like the rest of them. I'm very reflective and I like to take time to think about my responses before answering. I'm a better writer than I am a verbal communicator because of that. Many of my friends are extroverted, so they probably perceive my  long pause as me avoiding the question or forgetting, but sometimes it's just me trying to figure out what to say while avoiding multiple "ums". I don't like being interrupted either but I find that many of my friends do this anyway...must be an extroverted thing, I usually just let it slide but it does get frustrating at times.

I found that I like company just as much as I enjoy my alone time, which usually includes pampering myself at the nail salon or shopping at some store. But, I've also learned over the past two years that I have a lot of fears. Many of those fears are things I really never considered. No, I'm not talking about my snake phobia or screaming every time I see a mosquito lol. I'm talking about deeper fears, like feeling vulnerable, losing people, allowing myself to love, saying what's on my mind, etc.

At the heart of it all, I'm scared that the people I allow into my life will just walk away, without a goodbye, without explanation, just like that...poof. Gone in an instant. I'm still dealing with my maternal issues. It's hard to explain what it's like not to be sure if your mother really loves or ever loved you. Or how you can have a sister that has no idea who you are, to never have had a real conversation with her or even advice from her about anything. At the same time, I've been blessed with an amazing best friend and a whole lot of girlfriends who are always there for me in the area of feminine issues haha. So where I lack in one area, God has provided for me in another. It still eats at me sometimes though.

I really started thinking about it after the cookout when my bf asked me why I never learned how to cook. I don't currently and I eventually want to, so I wasn't offended, but it was a good opportunity to be more open about it with him than I've been in the past. I don't really get deep with a lot of people, so being vulnerable in that situation, especially with him, even though I was mopping during my answer (a clear sign of nervousness), was a step in the right direction.

People assume that you can just pick up a cookbook or just pick up a makeup brush or just start shopping for yourself. It's not easy, taking those first steps, especially taking them alone. I'm a visual learner. Reading a book or having someone verbally tell me what to do won't cut it. I need to see it done in person, replicate it and then repeat. That's why I'm such a bomb ass dancer. I'm capable of learning routines just by sitting in the audience, its all visual and hands on for me. But, I don't this dawned on me until I had to answer that question. In fact, the topic of this entire blog post didn't dawn on me until I answered that question. I'm still finding my way and figuring things out, but I can't grow or learn if I don't face my fears and open up to those around me. I have to be willing to embrace my past for what it is without allowing it to hinder my present and my future. I shouldn't feel like people will judge me for the experiences I have or haven't had. Most of the time they won't haha.

Just some food for thought. All pun intended haha (sorry I don't take myself THAT seriously, lighten up folks).

MB

Spring Updates!!!

Hey Bees!

I've been trying to get a post up for awhile but I've been too busy or I'd delete the post because I didn't like it. Anyway, I started a new program called Take Shape For Life with Medifast.

Day 1: The food was absolutely disgusting at first taste and the soy was triggering my allergies a bit. Slight headaches and hunger pains. :(

Day 2: Felt energized. The food started to taste better. Although, cravings started to kick in.

Day 3: Still felt energized, the food tasted even better, had serious cravings and food shopping was unbearable. Some hunger pains.

Day 4: Felt REALLY energized, the food tasted fine, no cravings, no hunger. Had severe body cramping at night the point where I had to break the plan and eat a banana (which is not allowed on the weight-loss portion of the program) to stop the cramping, several bathroom trips.

This is where it hurts (both sides)

At the beginning the food was horrible, but by day 3 I was used to the taste of soy. On day 4, I experienced no hunger. BUT, the night of day 4 was horrible. I'm already prone to muscle spasms and unfortunately when you're on a low-carb, high protein diet, muscle spasms are a possible side effect.

Needless to say, my entire back and shoulders cramped up, re-aggravating my car accident injury (mind you this cramping began as I was driving) and my legs were cramping all over the place (while I was trying to sleep at home). I'm actually sugar-coating the situation, if I actually explain everything that happened in detail, most of you would freak out. I ended up eating a banana and my spasms stopped immediately.

Bananas are high in calories and carbs but rich in potassium

Basically, I'm writing this just to say that everyone is going to have different reactions to different plans. Unfortunately, last nights incident made me realize that this plan as it stands is probably not the proper nutritional value for my body specifically. If you know me, you know my lower body is a powerhouse. I have legs people would kill for because of years of technical dance training. Now, I opted to do a two-week trial to see if I would like the Medifast program or not. I will go on record to say it works. I lost about 7lbs (yea I know that's a lot in a few days) so it definitely does work!

My health coach is good with getting back to me with feedback and helpful when it comes to finding new recipes and ordering supplies. And they have pretty good food options (I had Brown sugar oatmeal, choc/vanilla shakes *amazing!!*, sloppy joe (didn't like this), cinnamon roll and smores bars, cream of tomato soup (didn't like this), tropical punch drink and I have pancakes and eggs that I haven't tried yet. But, when it comes down to the muscle spasms, the aftermath (excessively sore muscles) interferes with my mobility and concentration level. In essence, anything going to cause me to get muscle cramps is not one that's going to work well for me. I also wanted to note that I take daily supplements and drink at least 8 bottles of Deer Park water a day (I was drinking at least 4 bottles before I started the plan). So, I'm 100% sure that yesterday's cramping was a result of too much sodium and not enough potassium in my body. Do I blame the plan, no, maybe like 10%. Do I blame myself? Yes. I think more research needs to be done on my end to see what types of greens would give me higher potassium levels (like the spinach I bought two days ago for my taco salad that I'm making tomorrow lol).

On the up side, I did get a lot of recipes, a new blender, and ideas from this. I'm hoping to incorporate that into a new diet where I can add beneficial carbs and potassium so I don't cramp up. I'll probably work in the rest of the meals I have left into a plan that works for my VERY ACTIVE social life. One thing that I realized is that I have too many friends and everyone wants to go out. So that's my lean and green meal right there. There's no guarantee the lean and green meal I'm gonna get that the venue is going to give me what I need nutrient-wise. So, it's really difficult for me to make sure I get the exact foods that I need when I'm never home to actually cook it myself. I'm not even writing this blog from home (I'm in my cubicle at work writing this and it's almost 7pm on a Friday lol).

I'm also ready to get back in the gym. The plan doesn't allow you to work out for the first 3 weeks, that was a killer, because I know I need to get back in the gym NOW. I think I'll use the shakes to curb my eating at night and the bars to hold me over during the day so I'm not snacking, but I think the main breakfast, lunch and dinner need to be my option of a lean and green so I can make sure I'm getting what I need so I don't hurt myself.

Will I continue on the plan as is? No. Last night really scared me, so after the food runs out, I might continue to buy the shakes and perhaps the bars and use that to help curb unnecessary snacking but I don't think I'll do the 5+1 as it is.

MB

PS: Georgetown classes are going well. Already registered for Summer and Fall 2012 classes. Woot! Oh and my PR program is the #1 masters program for Public Relations in the country.