'Full of Wonder'

"I can beat the night, I’m not afraid of thunder. I am full of light, I am full of wonder."
- Emeli Sande

If I could sum the past couple of months up in one word, I would use the word "courageous". 

I learned more about myself this summer. Far more than I expected.

Let's just say, I have a long way to go. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I'm still a work in progress. I don't regret the decisions that were made so far this year, but I do wish that I would let go of these walls that often surround me. I learned the hard way that it won't protect me from disappointment or heartbreak.

My shining glory (irony: felt far from shiny) this summer was a vulnerable moment where I found myself in tears, in the middle of a casino, consumed by emotion and literally staring my fears in the face. I was scared, yet I knew that the floor was crumbling, and eventually it just fell from underneath me. I was disappointed, but I wasn't surprised. For the first time in years, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. There was nothing I could do. The decision made long before I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I was doomed to feel embarrassed and exposed. I felt like a fool for allowing myself to go there, to get close, to have feelings. I resigned myself to being "okay", to go back to my stoic ways of not feeling, of not being exposed or vulnerable. Who am I kidding?  I can't go back.

I finally understood.

The minutes turned into hours, then days, then weeks. Now months, soon it will be years. I'm moving forward. There are days when I miss him. I'm left with memories that still warm my heart even after everything, and memories that piss me off, but I know things happen for a reason. I had to experience this, I had to grow from this, I had to understand this, the feeling of disappointment, the feeling of heartache, the feeling of moving on, the feeling of actually being okay.

The irony of it all was that during the circumstances, at the height of it all, when I knew the floor was falling from under me, I didn't get mad at God. I didn't get angry. I thanked Him, I worshiped Him, I praised Him.

God allowed me to have an emotional breakthrough. For the first time, I felt emotionally liberated. I did not expect it to happen like this or happen due to the actions of someone who was that close to me, but it did.

I allowed myself to feel. I saw His wonder, I felt God's love.

I was free.