This morning, I had an epiphany. Thus some inspiration for a
FULL post (finally I know).
It's true when older family members and friends say that your mid-20's is the time when you begin to find yourself and figure out what you like and don't like. I'm not the same girl I was in undergrad. I always made it difficult for people to get to know me, constantly putting walls up, remaining guarded. People obviously find that frustrating because they want to connect. I'm finding that at 24, that shit is tiring. Haha. No seriously, it's exhausting and it's pointless. Who does it benefit? No one. Exactly. So I had to cut it out and be candid with the people in my life.
I enjoy being myself. I'm quiet at times, but I can be outgoing and loud like the rest of them. I'm very reflective and I like to take time to think about my responses before answering. I'm a better writer than I am a verbal communicator because of that. Many of my friends are extroverted, so they probably perceive my long pause as me avoiding the question or forgetting, but sometimes it's just me trying to figure out what to say while avoiding multiple "ums". I don't like being interrupted either but I find that many of my friends do this anyway...must be an extroverted thing, I usually just let it slide but it does get frustrating at times.
I found that I like company just as much as I enjoy my alone time, which usually includes pampering myself at the nail salon or shopping at some store. But, I've also learned over the past two years that I have a lot of fears. Many of those fears are things I really never considered. No, I'm not talking about my snake phobia or screaming every time I see a mosquito lol.
I'm talking about deeper fears, like feeling vulnerable, losing people, allowing myself to love, saying what's on my mind, etc.
At the heart of it all, I'm
scared that the people I allow into my life will just walk away, without a goodbye, without explanation, just like that...poof. Gone in an instant. I'm still dealing with my maternal issues. It's hard to explain what it's like not to be sure if your mother really loves or ever loved you. Or how you can have a sister that has no idea who you are, to never have had a real conversation with her or even advice from her about anything. At the same time, I've been blessed with an amazing best friend and a whole lot of girlfriends who are always there for me in the area of feminine issues haha. So where I lack in one area, God has provided for me in another. It still eats at me sometimes though.
I really started thinking about it after the cookout when my bf asked me why I never learned how to cook. I don't currently and I eventually want to, so I wasn't offended, but it was a good opportunity to be more open about it with him than I've been in the past. I don't really get deep with a lot of people, so being vulnerable in that situation, especially with him, even though I was mopping during my answer (a clear sign of nervousness), was a step in the right direction.
People assume that you can just pick up a cookbook or just pick up a makeup brush or just start shopping for yourself. It's not easy, taking those first steps, especially taking them alone. I'm a visual learner. Reading a book or having someone verbally tell me what to do won't cut it. I need to see it done in person, replicate it and then repeat. That's why I'm such a bomb ass dancer. I'm capable of learning routines just by sitting in the audience, its all visual and hands on for me. But, I don't this dawned on me until I had to answer that question. In fact, the topic of this entire blog post didn't dawn on me until I answered that question. I'm still finding my way and figuring things out, but I can't grow or learn if I don't face my fears and open up to those around me. I have to be willing to embrace my past for what it is without allowing it to hinder my present and my future. I shouldn't feel like people will judge me for the experiences I have or haven't had. Most of the time they won't haha.
Just some food for thought. All pun intended haha (sorry I don't take myself
THAT seriously, lighten up folks).
MB
